00:00
00:00
Remi-le-Oduen
That guy that always asks for songs lyrics to be added in descriptions

Age 34, Male

Forensic medicine

Russia

Joined on 1/12/17

Level:
46
Exp Points:
23,453 / 23,490
Exp Rank:
633
Vote Power:
8.74 votes
Rank:
Police Captain
Global Rank:
3,963
Blams:
0
Saves:
2,258
B/P Bonus:
16%
Whistle:
Normal
Medals:
2,252
Supporter:
6y 11m 5d

Writers Jam 2 Entry

Posted by Remi-le-Oduen - December 23rd, 2023


First dream of New Year

 

“Hey, honey, what’s wrong?” Tony hugged his sobbing wife. “It’s okay, everything’s fine. I’m right here. It’s okay”

It took some amount of head pats and whispers to calm her down.

“I saw a nightmare. A terrible, terrible nightmare.”

“Come on, Mayu, sweetheart, it’s just a dream” Tony smiled, pulling her closer.

“Don’t you know the dreams on the first night of New Year are prophetic? That’s what we believe in Japan.”

“Is that so? Well, we aren’t in Japan anymore, aren’t we? This will not work then.”

Mayu looked up at him, her reddened eyes glistening with tears in the darkness of the bedroom.

“Are you sure? Are you totally totally sure?”

Tony laughed and hugged her once again.

“Of course I’m sure, silly. Are you feeling better now?”

Mayu nodded and cuddled in husband’s hand. “May I stay like this for some more?”

“Of course, honey. Of course.”

As Mayu left the bathroom, she heard her husband talking to someone on the phone.

“Yes, I’ll come as fast as I can. Okay, bye.”

“Is everything okay? Who was it?” Wiping her long black hair with a towel, she came closer and gave Tony a passionate kiss.

“Derek. He’s got a problem with equipment again. He needs a helping hand.”

“He seems to need them a lot. Is it urgent?”

“I made mistakes when I was a newbie too. He will learn.”

“Will you be back soon?” Mayu pouted – smiling, to show that she isn’t really angry. Tony smiled and brushed her cheek with his lips softly.

“I hope so. But I don’t know how serious the problem is. I’ll text you, okay?”

“Okay. I’ll be waiting for you”.

Humming some silly tune she heard in a youtube video, Mayu entered her husband’s study, carrying a small carefully wrapped box adorned with a bow-tied ribbon. It was there anniversary tomorrow and Mayu imagined how pleased Tony will be when he finds a present in his table drawer. Smiling to these thoughts, she pulled open the drawer, and the tune fled her mind in an instant. Inside, she saw something she never expected to find among her beloved husband’s belongings – heavy looking, dark, glossy and ominous object. She gulped, her hand darted towards it, as if to make sure it’s not an illusion, but stopped in just an inch above. Born and raised in Japan, Mayu could not get used to how common firearms were in US and she was afraid of them. Her husband never mentioned owning one. Then again, it was nothing special here, so he had no reason to tell her. But still… why didn’t he tell? With trembling hand, she closed the drawer and left the study on shaking legs.

“What’s that? A present? Oh…”

Tony’s eyes darted away as he realized he did something wrong. Mayu’s eyes were filling with tears.

“First I spent the first day of the New Year alone, now you forgot about our anniversary!”

“Honey, please. I’m really sorry! It’s just… You know I’m in the middle of a big project now. We can make it really big! It’s absorbing all of my attention now, it’s really hard to concentrate on anything else now.”

“I know! After all, it’s the money from selling my late parents house that went into it!”

Mayu threw the present she prepared on the table and stood up.

“Where are you going?”

“I’ll do what a good wife is supposed to do. I’ll calm down by washing your clothes

“I’ve already put them in the washing machine.”

Mayu turned around, looking at Tony with suspicion.

“That’s not like you.”

“Mayu! Where are you…”

Tony rushed after his wife and found her rummaging in the washing mashing. She threw a shirt at him.

“They don’t smell like you worked with machines.”

“Honey, please. You don’t think I’ll dive into engines as I am, wearing white shirt and breeches now do you? I have a uniform for that.”

Mayu sat on the floor, her back pressed to the washing machine, streaks of tears running down her cheeks.

“For real? I’m so stupid… I’m sorry, I’m so sorry… Please forgive me.”

Tony sat beside her, hugging her head. “It’s okay honey. It’s okay.”

They returned to the kitchen, holding hands. Mayu sat on Tony’s laps and hugged him tight.

“It’s all because of that stupid dream. I can’t get it out of my head.”

“Relax honey, it was just a dream. Nothing to worry about.”

Mayu suddenly went silent, lost deep in thoughts.

“I’m still afraid. I wonder… When you are out for a work, and I’m all alone… If something dangerous happens… It’s legal to have a gun in US, right? Can you teach me how to use it?”

“Wow! I never expected you will ask something like that. I don’t have a gun, but if you want to… Mayu? What’s wrong?”

Mayu leapt up from Tony’s laps.

“You don’t have a gun? Then what was that in your table?! Ah, I know! I saw it! I see everything now! Is this what it comes to? That’s it, Tony? Is this what your love and promises are worth? Were you just pretending so that my family money can be all yours?”

“Mayu, calm down. You got it all wrong. It’s not my gun! It’s my father’s! I don’t know how to use it! Mayu, what are you doing? Put that knife down! Put it down!”

The police inspector kneeled in front of Mayu, who sat on the floor, her stare wandering aimlessly around the kitchen and over the members of investigation team.

“Mrs. Barks, can you explain what happened here?”

Her expressionless face turned to him.

“He wanted to kill me.”

“Your husband? Did he attack you?”

“He wanted to kill me. He planned it. I saw it in a dream”

Inspector looked back at his colleagues.

“She lost it.” One of them whispered, coming close. “She keeps repeating the same thing, that she had a dream that her husband was planning to kill her”.

“If she’s faking it…” Inspector shook his head. “She is pretty damn good at it”.

At this moment the phone on the table gave a notification sound. The forensics expert carefully picked it up with a gloved hand.

“New voice message from Derek.” He read. “Should I play it?”

“Go for it.”

The man pushed the screen, and a melodic female voice filled the room.

“Hi darling! The tickets and other papers are ready. As soon as you get rid of the bitch, we will be out of the country in no time. Love you!”


_______________________________________

Some closing thoughts

  1. I'm doing some dark themed entry once again. I wonder if it has something to do with my work? Or maybe it's just me being not in the best place and mood right now.
  2. I'm not sure if it can be called "festive" since it's a thriller drama, but it's centered around a certain holiday belief that exist in Japan so I consider it fitting enough
  3. I came up with beginning and ending on the run, but the middle part was more difficult and I feel I rushed it. Hope it's not too bad.

Tags:

4

Comments

This was a really cool read! I like the reveal of what the dream was, which turned Derek owning a gun from feeling relatively unimportant into something that would definitely confirm Mayu's feelings. I really like that and it definitely seems intentional that you did it that way! Thanks for participating again!

Thanks a lot!

Pretty good. I liked the dark tone and the several plot twists, especially the one at the end.

Thanks a lot for a review!

I think the emotions were expressed in a nice way, I just perhaps would've enjoyed some more extent of details and visual descriptions of clues to the mood of the characters or the scenery, nothing necessarely long, just something more. Also I can suggest more manipulation of the tension by contrasting the intensity of the emotions and expressions of the characters, with inflections, pauses, etc; that could generate somewhat of a dramatic effect to add to what you already pulled off. And I like the contrast of the glistening eyes in a dark room part, speaking of contrasts. And the ending was an intriguing twist to me, kind of like a commentary on karma, I suppose. Good job!

Huge thanks for a review! Yeah, I need to learn to pace the dialogues, that's kind of a problem for me.

The twists came out really good! Plus, making use of the belief in Japan that New Year's dreams are prophetic was A) a clever way to use the holidays around the jam, and B) a good use of different cultural backgrounds between characters to tell a unique story. My only issue was that the dialogue often came across as stiff, but I think that's just a translation issue, not much to do with the story itself. Good stuff!

Huge thanks for a kind review! Glad you enjoyed the story