Sheik13LoZ 2024-06-17 19:46:09

Really cool! Enjoyed the dialogue and characters in this, they seemed to have a lot of personality. The world was really interesting, too, how you developed the technology and how people use or don't use it in different ways.

jamriot 2024-06-20 15:53:20

Nice work! Thank you for participating again! I really liked the characterization you did here, especially with Aspid and Shu Jing. I'm also impressed by the amount of worldbuilding you were able to do in such just this excerpt, I really had a good picture of what the world looked like, what the technological progression was, and what the world politics were (between mention of biological naturalists and private transportation). Overall a really solid piece and I hope to see your participation in future events again!

Intrapath 2024-07-08 02:56:59

This is a real treat for cyberpunk fans! I thought the twist was clever. It felt like it embraced the darkness inherent to the genre, and showed a character using one of the rarest things in cyberpunk worlds to their advantage: honesty. For all the fame, money, pride, beauty, or other pursuits the rest of the world chases, it's simple honesty that survives.

If I had to nitpick, there were a few spots that exposition could've been replaced with dialogue. For example, maybe just before the scene transition, it's explained that killing people is hard thanks to personality copying. While discussing the job, that could've come up as a concern, and those details could be shared in dialogue. That's mostly a personal preference in storytelling though.

Also, I loved the line "The doll, the cyborg and the ghost." It was such a great way of summarizing the trio succinctly! Having each of them represent a different worldview did a great job of fleshing out the scene, too. Great stuff!

Plasmarift 2024-07-21 15:56:27

I was a bit weary when first getting into it, but I ended up enjoying it. I found a lot of the technology descriptions to be pretty cool (though the part with Shelly using the equivalent of green lantern generated weapons to try and break through the invisible wall seemed a little lame). Invisible wall aside, probably my favorite thing was the description of personality transference and how it's not always perfect due to how complex people are. In other stories, they make it sound so easy to just copy someone personality when there are things about ourselves that we don't even know (or that there are things about and in our body outside our brain that can influence personality).

One point of criticism for motivation though. At the beginning, they said someone didn't want him in politics and since there was no dirt on him to ruin his career, they decided to kill him. Couldn't the client orchestrate false evidence (hire witnesses, plant incriminating evidence, etc.). Even if the evidence is later shown to be false, this can irreparably damage someone's career enough to where people can never fully trust them.

Also, I'm confused at the beginning. They seem like they're investigating his murder, asking who'd want him dead and then try to kill him later. Did someone else kill him first before they got there or are they working with an investigative agency while being assassin on the side?

All in all, great work!