jamriot 2024-01-01 17:08:37

This was a really cool read! I like the reveal of what the dream was, which turned Derek owning a gun from feeling relatively unimportant into something that would definitely confirm Mayu's feelings. I really like that and it definitely seems intentional that you did it that way! Thanks for participating again!

LiamRomK 2024-01-11 07:27:51

Pretty good. I liked the dark tone and the several plot twists, especially the one at the end.

Ferstofus 2024-01-12 19:30:48

I think the emotions were expressed in a nice way, I just perhaps would've enjoyed some more extent of details and visual descriptions of clues to the mood of the characters or the scenery, nothing necessarely long, just something more. Also I can suggest more manipulation of the tension by contrasting the intensity of the emotions and expressions of the characters, with inflections, pauses, etc; that could generate somewhat of a dramatic effect to add to what you already pulled off. And I like the contrast of the glistening eyes in a dark room part, speaking of contrasts. And the ending was an intriguing twist to me, kind of like a commentary on karma, I suppose. Good job!

Intrapath 2024-01-16 00:54:22

The twists came out really good! Plus, making use of the belief in Japan that New Year's dreams are prophetic was A) a clever way to use the holidays around the jam, and B) a good use of different cultural backgrounds between characters to tell a unique story. My only issue was that the dialogue often came across as stiff, but I think that's just a translation issue, not much to do with the story itself. Good stuff!