Judge Comment- Brilliant use of the format of the short story. A well crafted piece about safety that uses the prompt in an interesting way and allows the story to shine. It had some great imagery and great throughline and was overall fun to read! Some of the actual syntax was a bit clunky at times but not enough to distract from the story overall. The only thing I am left wanting for is a potential smoothing of the rougher edges and maybe just some prior mention of Jim’s relationship to sell the irony. Well done!
That guy that always asks for songs lyrics to be added in descriptions
Age 34, Male
Forensic medicine
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Comments
Huge thanks for a kind review, I'm really happy right now. It's still hard to me to shift to a different syntax from my main language, but I'm trying to improve. Yeah, a prior mention of Jim's girlfriend could have made the impact stronger, that's a cool idea
Judge Comment:
Hey! Thanks for your participation in the Writer's Jam! Wow, what an incredible piece! I definitely think this piece is deserving of it's place in the top 3. This piece really came off as the workplace folktale I think it was supposed to, and leaned hard into the elements of horror and mystery it most benefitted from!
It's impressive how you knew so masterfully what tropes serve your story, and what elements of subgenres aren't worth pursuing in your story. This made your story very enjoyable, even when it began to lean into territories that risk being generic, overdone, etc.. You avoided all these problems masterfully, and I really have no critique regarding that!
Your use of mechanics was very good. You used the language of your story to your advantage, and left me with a sense of dread at Bloody Mary's true nature. I can't wait to see what else you make! Thanks again for your participation!
Thanks a lot for your review) I guess I kind of implemented some of my experience as a forensic medic in it
Intrapath
This is awesome! It's great to see someone using one of the lesser-used prompts, and one thing I love about it is that it really takes advantage of the short story format, I find it so hard to pull off but you nailed it. It doesn't feel like a larger story that had to be squished to fit down to a shorter word length, everything is right here and all the pieces fit. I think the way that the story is mostly a series of vignettes building up to a key moment - instead of a series of scenes leading from one to the other directly - is what makes that work so well. Definitely one I'm going to be studying for structure inspiration next time there's a short story contest. Great stuff!
Remi-le-Oduen
Thanks a lot! I'm glad that you enjoyed my little story